Me, Myself

In this world of mine with mysteries and histories, i find myself strangely alone. With old ties broken, a to- avoid list, troubled allies and forgotten memories I begin my week.
At times you wonder is there anyone who would work so hard for you. Hardly anyone. You can make a list of friends whom you can party with, a list of friends who will call you their best friend, a list of friends who would wish you on your birthday asking for treats and a list of friends who would list your name among those they would call in emergency. These lists are frankly easy to make. But as I sit to make a list of friends, family and relatives who would be there for you even if the sky falls on your head, I find myself staring at a blank sheet. I ask myself how can that be so?
I wonder maybe I am being too rude or I can’t recognise the care of those around me. There may be those who after reading this may go, how can she say that we are they for her. And there have been many times when my friends have been my guardian angels; I call them my God- sent friends.
In life since I could think of I have come to do many things independently, from buying my own clothes to travelling places. For me my independence matters a lot. I don’t hesitate to do anything alone I go ahead. But then I look back and I hope at times only if I could have help carrying my heavy luggage or I could share my headaches or grumble with someone.
Independence comes at its own cost. It is a package of self dominance and loneliness. You take the good and throw the rest but at times another independent hand is always welcome.

Farewell is it?

Time is running fast… or it is going at a slow pace. Whatever the speed I see myself growing older by the second. My birthday is drawing nearer, the day I start work is drawing nearer, my exam date is drawing nearer, but most importantly the day to say goodbye is going to be here soon. Too soon may be.
As I go over the photos my classmates have put up on FB of the time gone by, I wonder who will I see again, who will I forget, who will remember me, who will I want to see again and who will want to see me again.
Too many questions running in my mind, too little time. After three years together I still feel I need more time to know everyone. May be if I had stopped worrying about what people are saying about ME, I would have heard what they are saying, what their thoughts are. If I would have stopped judging them, I would have known what they truly are like. But now it is too late for regrets.
Do I have no regrets? If I say no I will be lying to myself. I know I will do many things differently if I have another chance. I would have not hurt all those I did in process to gain the upper hand. I wish I could have been confident enough to be me. Every one of us has had that moment in the past three years where they could have been themselves but chose to just fit in or slip in to the shadows.
I made some great friends, I could have made more. In the last few months when every one is preparing to say good bye, I am sure each one of them must have come across someone from the class who made them think, “Huh, why haven’t we interacted much before?” I know I have.
I have learnt a lot about relations. I have learnt that a few words spoken by the most unimportant person can hurt you a lot. I have learnt that it takes just one night (maybe coupled with a few drinks) to turn your friend to a stranger. I have learnt that if you think too much about one darn thing you will really miss the other good moments.
Once someone said to me in a very rude manner, Grow Up! I remember me ridiculing his words. I can remember how immature how I was. But today I can say I have grown up because I walk away with cherished memories with each my classmates. Hope when we meet again in future we will be able reconnect or recreate a new bond.
When I talk about my college life it would be incomplete If I forget to mention the one person who may have left us but is still with us in many ways. I thank my stars for giving me a peek into the life of this wonderful guy. We mourned for him not only because he was gone but because we could not share with him the most precious moments we knew he would have wanted to be a part of. Till this day there is no one whose face doesn’t light up in remembrance of him.
Hope we all have the ability to create that much love for ourselves in the hearts of others. He did it in the little time he was with us, we may take a lifetime.
Finally I would like to say wherever life takes us we all will remember the time we have spent in the college we all hate and love- VES.