Unwilling to give away!

It is funny how you think you have control of something in life and then suddenly realize you just made a mess of things. Something as such has happened to me. I thought my feelings about a particular someone is in control. We came to a practical conclusion of just remaining friends and I thought I was happy with the idea only soon to find myself dwelling in piles of regret. In order to show how ‘cool’ I was with the idea of just being friends for life, I even introduced this person to someone new. Well I thought genuinely at first that things will work out great but then to this extent and so soon, I hardly expected and now I am not happy.
To see my Knight in shining Armour slip away from my fingers that to because he is falling for someone I would think of is beneath me is totally depressing. (I know I sound egoistical but then what can I do?) Suddenly I want to be like the witch of the west and bewitch him to fall head over heels for me laughing wickedly as the other girl cries. Then I wake up and realize I can’t be like that neither can I hurt my friend. Was I to do anything stupid not only will I loose his friendship but I will lose one of my six pillars.
But why does it have to be me? Why should I be that good friend who waits in the corner playing the role of a well wisher? Why can’t it be my turn to blush hundred times when my cell screen blinks my guy’s name while my friends tease me? Why can’t I be that one whom a guy wants to call in the night or be possessive about me?
I could have handled it but then when they keep sharing their feelings about each other with me and tell me what fun things they were doing, I just want to crawl to a comfy spot with a bowl of ice cream and cry my eyes out. To even say that after reading this he will come to me is a hyperbole because he does not read let alone read blogs. And luckily or unluckily she is too dumb to understand that this implies her.
Thus I have no option but to play the well wisher sitting in the corner. Hopefully it isn’t at their wedding cause then I will definitely go bonkers.

Just the right words!

You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me, don't say I can't go with other boys

And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display, 'cause

You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

Oh, I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

I don't tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want

By Lesley Gore-

The last words

IF

If you can keep your head

when all about you are losing theirs

And blaming it on you.

If you can trust yourself

when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can dream and not make dreams your master.

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.

If you can meet with triumph and disaster.

And treat those two impostors just the same.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken

And stoop and build'em up with worn out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch and toss

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss.

If you can force your heart, and nerve, and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone

And so "hold on" when there is nothing on you

except the will which says to them "hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue

Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch.

If neither foe nor loving friend can hurt you.

If all men count with you ... but none too much.

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

with sixty seconds worth of distant run.

Yours is the earth, and everything that's in it.

And which is more ... You'll be a Man, my son.

--Rudyard Kippling

few lines

without a father
she became the mother
of her own mom at a tender age
without a guiding hand
she walked through thick n thin
all smiles hidden tears
heart filled with fears
she waded through deep waters
and entered unknown territories
as a human she made mistakes
and she learned from them
never repeated them
but one mistake she will always not forget
it changed her mind
it changed her heart
turned her life upside down
brought in new waves
and some lost life
she found her soul
it pulled her out of the puddle
of sympathy and drama
but she has to move on
she has to finally give in
and take a new path
and make more mistakes...

-----sm

bridges Torn Apart

Funny things happen that one simply cannot digest like hating a person you long considered your friend. Then when your bubble shatters you come to realize there were times you can clearly point out to and say, 'hmm so she really didn’t like me that much.' Let me explain why I say the above.

Everyone has their own worse times. At some point or the other everyone and I mean everyone has gone berserk; has had a moment of insanity. In my case it’s a bit different; I have had many of those moments. But such moments are like exams for our friends. It is now that they decide whether they accept you and stick with you or mentally make a note to maintain distance. You will never know who decided what until they have disappeared from your life. Something as such happened to me.

One of my close friends decided she could no longer continue to stay friends with a live atom bomb that can go off at any moment. I just took long to know about it. Well frankly peaking you do at times know what is happening but just ignore it till it is too hot to handle. Then you just have to accept it.

Saying good bye isn’t that easy. In my earlier blog I mentioned those friends who disappear without a bye. They are the easy ones. The ones whom you are still desperately trying to reconnect even after you have mentally said a good bye to are the difficult ones to let go of.

In my short span of life there have been three great gals who walked into to my life at three different times. All of them, I lost on account of my foolishness. They have been my pillars of strength, my fairy godmothers, my life support and my witty guru. I could not at one point think of life without them. They were always present in my future dreams either holding the bouquet in my wedding, or running around in my reception or just standing by me posing for a photo on my 50^th birthday. To imagine life without them is still painful.

But I believe that we have burnt all the bridges in between us. Even though I have informed them to read this entry in my blog, I am sure they have hardly made the effort to.

Of course I may be mistaken. Maybe someday I will meet them down the lane and reconnect the lost ties. Maybe someday, that single piece of the bridge which is still dangling will form a new path.

I believe myself to be a very practical person. Looking back at them I know they won’t give me another chance. Looking ahead I know that many more names will be added to the list. But then I look at the present and I know that there are already those who will forever remain with me in my long journey.

I have often heard of relations going sour but isn’t it said that Sour grapes makes for great wine. If any of the three are reading I hope they get what I mean. Because this is the only way I can say ‘Hey give me break you knew what I was, you know what I am and you know what I will be. But I still miss you and will always be there for you and it doesn't matter if you aren't, I won't make you choose.’

The Ugly truth for me

You would think you know someone but one day they will do something so different so beyond them that all you can say to them is, ‘Huh you had it in you the whole time.’ Sometimes your friends may have said the same thing to you.

As I write this today I have not one theme to follow, not just one thought to share but I have many. My thoughts are like the roots of an ancient tree, except for the tree no one can ever know which root goes where or where does it begin from. Hence I wish to remain invisible. This blog is hardly known to all and I would like to keep it that way. As I know my complexities will not be understood by all, because on this blank page when I let my thoughts flow I also let my fears and inhibitions be revealed.

At times when you accept that one thing that is eating you away you will feel liberated. I have been through that process many times whether it is accepting that you can never be the best or whether it is the knowledge that your realities are in actuality just a dream.

See I have been an average person all my life. Not everyone would say that about me. Only those who have known from the beginning of me can state the amount of change I have been through and all that I have let go of in order to be me. I love the fact that I can destroy many in a debate be it a man or a woman. I pride myself in the intelligent babble that I have with my professors and those equivalent or higher than me. My spectacles on my nose are something I feel I can’t do away with because without them I seem to be lost. The fact that I can not only read, but also can digest a Shakespeare and a P.G Wodehouse (a well known author of the Jeeves series) inflates my ego.

So when I hear that to attract the opposite sex I have to throw away all the above (basically what makes me) and that on a date I can not even pass on constructive criticism or strongly voice my opinion about a particular serious issue, I find something in me going red with rage. I have given it a try but then I find myself dying away. Not only do I have to package myself but also do I have to lock my brains in a box at home. I have to accept that I just can’t do that.

Then do I settle for anyone who accepts me and not that soul mate I have dreamed of? (By now you would have recognised my gender if you already had not an inkling.) HELL NO!!!! I’d rather stay all alone for the rest of my life finding my happiness in the smaller things of life.

Well I know many who would immediately go ‘that is not possible’ and they know I am referring to them. I may have to tie the knot at some point but that will be on my conditions.

Because as someone somewhere said if I can’t find love let me at least do my best in spreading some.

Funny dimensions

They are funny these relations. Does anyone remember exactly what it is that has made that one specific person or more your best friend. It is highly impossible for me to say that these are the ingredients required to create my best friend. Many have come and gone. And in the short span I have lived, I have seen my so called best friends go by without a goodbye. But that doesn’t leave me alone. I have many more to chose from and so do you. Isn’t it so? Bored on the way back home with no entertainment call up your friend and talk leisurely. Harrowed with a love problem or find yourself falling for your colleague then bug your friend endlessly about it. What else are they there for? They don’t have an existence of their own. But if they do then you will have to make time for their issues too.

It is lately that I have realized we don’t have one so called ‘bestest buddy’. There is no hardcore rule; no one is going to imprison you if you have more than one. At times best friend no. 1 may not understand your plight, so best friend two is just appropriate for it. I am lucky to have an endless list of great friends who I can awake in the middle of the night shamelessly to talk about the new message I received from my crush.

When a relation breaks, I wonder how it could be possible that just a moment ago I was dying to share every secret of my life to her/him and the other moment I hardly wish her/him a Hi. How it could be that my judgement about my selfless friend turned out to be wrong. But then it is just that like your clothes will fit you till only a point, your friends will stay with for that limited time. It is you who has to move on and make room for more people who may just be eligible for that position.
For me my friends are like my saviours, my second skin, the peace to my soul because they are there when even family refuses to help. I know I can face the storms bravely because the umbrella that I have created for myself or that God has created for me will always be present over my head sheltering me from all harm.

L'Aide

As my friend sleeping in the Vishnu Pose questions me 'are we going to get any rest today?' I wonder how much can we do selflessly for our friends. Everyone has a handicapped friend (I don’t mean physically) who is forever leaning on us for help. We always decide to put our interests before theirs but eventually sacrifice our precious seconds for their fruitless efforts. But then I step back and I think about the countless times I have blamed these handicapped friends of mine for my own faults, easily washing away my guilt got get that good night sleep. When in need I myself have called my army of advisors and then I see myself virtually transform into a handicapped.

This has happened to the greatest egotist too. He has had no option but to beg at someone’s door step at one point or the other. It is called ‘Karm’ or simply said ‘As you sow, so shall you reap.’ It has happened to me too. And at times I have had to knock the doors of those who I would have liked to knock out. Such situations would arise again but then I pray to lord that when my turn to beg comes again, I want my army of advisors, criticisers, well wishers, and destroyers next to me.

Only scribbles

The thoughts in my mind are quite well framed. I find myself fantasizing to be an author.

Who would be interested in an unknown gal’s inner most emotions, I question myself. Then the reply comes maybe no one maybe someone or maybe everyone and I begin the journey.

As I pour out my ideas my experiences my feelings on to the blank page all I can think of is whether I make any sense. Then the answer comes, to me I do .

Were I to write I become a writer but then again I aint a story teller. I can rhyme but then again I aint a poet. I can talk about life but then I aint a guru or the ancient one.

But then I write coz that is all what I know to do.

Sometimes I want to believe, I dream that the world will read my book, gift my book to their loved ones then I hear a laugh and I wake to my inner fears ridiculing me.

I don’t need to be held as an equal to a Sidney Sheldon, an Emily Bronte.

I know I can only read a Shakespeare let alone be compared to his brilliance.

I stay grounded but then once just once I would like to spread my wings and fly high beyond the sky