The Ugly truth for me

You would think you know someone but one day they will do something so different so beyond them that all you can say to them is, ‘Huh you had it in you the whole time.’ Sometimes your friends may have said the same thing to you.

As I write this today I have not one theme to follow, not just one thought to share but I have many. My thoughts are like the roots of an ancient tree, except for the tree no one can ever know which root goes where or where does it begin from. Hence I wish to remain invisible. This blog is hardly known to all and I would like to keep it that way. As I know my complexities will not be understood by all, because on this blank page when I let my thoughts flow I also let my fears and inhibitions be revealed.

At times when you accept that one thing that is eating you away you will feel liberated. I have been through that process many times whether it is accepting that you can never be the best or whether it is the knowledge that your realities are in actuality just a dream.

See I have been an average person all my life. Not everyone would say that about me. Only those who have known from the beginning of me can state the amount of change I have been through and all that I have let go of in order to be me. I love the fact that I can destroy many in a debate be it a man or a woman. I pride myself in the intelligent babble that I have with my professors and those equivalent or higher than me. My spectacles on my nose are something I feel I can’t do away with because without them I seem to be lost. The fact that I can not only read, but also can digest a Shakespeare and a P.G Wodehouse (a well known author of the Jeeves series) inflates my ego.

So when I hear that to attract the opposite sex I have to throw away all the above (basically what makes me) and that on a date I can not even pass on constructive criticism or strongly voice my opinion about a particular serious issue, I find something in me going red with rage. I have given it a try but then I find myself dying away. Not only do I have to package myself but also do I have to lock my brains in a box at home. I have to accept that I just can’t do that.

Then do I settle for anyone who accepts me and not that soul mate I have dreamed of? (By now you would have recognised my gender if you already had not an inkling.) HELL NO!!!! I’d rather stay all alone for the rest of my life finding my happiness in the smaller things of life.

Well I know many who would immediately go ‘that is not possible’ and they know I am referring to them. I may have to tie the knot at some point but that will be on my conditions.

Because as someone somewhere said if I can’t find love let me at least do my best in spreading some.